Ok, so before you go on to read this, you should know I actually wrote this in the middle of June (it is now the end of July). I did not publish it at the time because I was waiting on a meeting with someone and I did not want to offend. Well, friends, I have now decided to go ahead and publish this because it is my story, and part of my story is the hurt I am currently experiencing. I have been going to the Lord in study, I have dear friends praying for me and consistently reaching out to me to guide me and encourage me (you know who you are and I couldn’t get through this without you!). So anyway, here is a continuation of my post regarding being broken-hearted. We are moving forward, but we are not over it; we may never be.
I haven’t written anything in a few weeks because it has been super busy around here. We’ve been working on getting our motor home ready and doing yard work and then Isaiah fractured his ankle. For some reason that took a lot of time! You would think it would not have taken up too much time as he mostly has to sit around, but for some reason a person being unable to help themselves takes up more time than you think. So, many are the excuses as to why I’ve not written, but I’m so inclined tonight, so, I write. I am writing a kind of follow-up to my broken-hearted post, so bear with me, because I am broken hearted.
SO, I was at Bible study last night and the conversation moved to asking if we had found a new church yet. I haven’t shared with the world, but most know that we are in search of a new church home still. Guys, this is why my heart is broken. I love my friends…my family…that we left. I will not go into the reasons so if you are inclined to ask, please don’t. I have nothing ill to say, except that my heart is broken. More than that, though, is the way I am acting because of this.
I think the Bible is clear that disobedience is one thing that continually breaks our Father’s heart. Over and over again the Lord has to deal with disobedience from literally the beginning. It starts with Adam (Eve), continues with Cain, goes on with Joseph’s brothers, there’s the time of the Judges, and let’s not forget the entire nation wandering in the wilderness due to their disobedience. Go to the New Testament and you can read of Christ turning tables in the temples, he rebukes his disciples MANY times, and how ‘bout those Pharisees and Sadducees? I mean, you can’t get much more disobedient than the “ees” of the NT, am I right? I said, am I right?!
So if disobedience breaks our Father’s heart and I am being disobedient and now I am convicted of this (thank You, Lord, for our little Bible study); you see, the reason we have not found a new church is a lot my fault. I hardened my heart. I allowed myself to become bitter. I have allowed this heartbreak to consume me and instead of taking refuge in our Father (He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust; Psalm 31:2 NIV), I have strayed farther away from Him. This is so new to me. In every other dark time in my life I always found myself drawn closer to my God, but instead of diving into Scripture and taking refuge in Him, I turned away. Because I turned away, I became bitter and my heart hardened. I am really not myself.
You see, when we left our church we also left our friends. I just happened to have left one of my very best friends and my boy’s very best friends. That hurts. I know that we made the right decision and I am not convicted by this, but I miss my friend. My boys miss their friends. And I have allowed my heart to become hard to avoid being hurt again. My biggest problem resulting in this hurt (besides the disobedience) is rebellion, apparently. You see, I feel slighted because I feel like we are being punished for making a choice we know was right for our family. We are punished by losing our friends…we are punished for making a personal choice. We were convicted being where we were, we searched our hearts, we searched the Word, we prayed, we followed through, and now we are persecuted. And then I remembered something from Matthew…the Beatitudes…”blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4 NIV). Friends, I am mourning. I need to lift my eyes to the hills and find my Helper.
If you know me, you know well I am not a bitter person. My heart has never been hard like this before. Now, I am FAR from perfect, but I am likeable. I try to be kind, considerate, and loving. I try to put others first and to help those who need it. I try to be generous. I am in no way tooting my own horn, because I am human through and through and obviously wrought with sin (hence this entire post), but I want to explain why I am so convicted by this hard heart and the behavior that has come from it. I am convicted because I am not myself. I work for the Lord, plain and simple. My life is not my own and I WANT to do all things for the glory of God. BUT, my life lately has veered far from glorifying God, and because I am convicted, I want to confess it and change it. I want my happy heart back! I want the Lord to direct my heart, not my sinful attitude. I want to live to glorify Him again, so friends, here I am in my sin confessing and repenting and asking forgiveness.
“All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property an possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.” (Acts 2:44-47).