Domestic Violence Awareness

PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS POST IS ABOUT ABUSE. THERE MAY BE TRIGGERS. 

I was running at the gym the other day (yes, I run…well I jog anyway. I don’t LOOK like I jog or work out, but I do), and this song came on and it really got me to just thinking about the lyrics in the song “Because of You by Kelly Clarkson.  What powerful words and what a great month for this to be on my heart because October is Domestic Violence Awareness month and if you have ever seen the video that goes with this song (I just watched it the other day out of curiosity) you’ll know it has a powerful message. A message that ALL domestic violence victims and victims of abuse need to hear: your past does not define your future. YOU can change. YOU CAN break the cycle. You are worth SO MUCH MORE.

It isn’t a big secret that I grew up in abuse and I actually remember the first time I heard this song. I don’t listen to much secular music anymore, but sometimes songs like this just stands out and has the ability to touch so many lives in a positive way. I mean, in the beginning you hear how the author/singer will not be making those same mistakes and if you watch the video you will see that in the end, the victim overcomes. It is a story of empowerment for abuse victims, but that is rarely the case. In fact, in Oklahoma according to a local law enforcement officer I spoke with who asked to remain anonymous,  “Charges are often dismissed without victim cooperation. It’s easier to prosecute a kicked Chihuahua case or [prosecute] if the victim is dead. It’s very sad”.

Do you guys understand this? It is easier to prosecute someone for kicking a dog than it is to prosecute a person beating their spouse. It is easier to prosecute if the victim is DEAD. As in, cannot defend themselves and cannot choose to NOT press charges. As in, the abuser has now become a murderer…how does this make sense?

For just a bit of perspective, the fine for possession of a controlled dangerous substance (first offense) in my state is [up to] $1000 fine and a year in jail (Hunsucker Legal Group, 2017). You know what the fine is for an abuser? Assault is a $500 fine and 30 days in jail, assault and battery is $1000 fine and 90 days in jail (Women’slaw.org, 2017). SO, a person can have a recreational drug in their possession and receive a harsher punishment and fine than someone who literally beats someone to a pulp. Now, don’t take this example as me agreeing with someone using drugs, I am just making a point. But seriously, having a gram of pot is more punishable than the literal abuse and bodily harm of another human being? Again, I ask, how does this make any sense at all?

It’s no wonder domestic abuse victims feel hopeless. How can you feel hope when it seems as though there is none? How can you try to find a way out when it is so easy for the predator to find their way back to you? How can you break the cycle when it’s so hard to leave the circumstance? I could just scream at these statistics right now! Let me share a few: between 3 and 4 MILLION children witness domestic violence and/or the aftermath of it each year in our nation. Ninety five percent of abuse victims are women with male partners. Children who witness this grow up with a view of intimate relationships that involves one person being an intimidator and one being a victim and have a higher risk of using violence to solve problems AND are more likely to become abusers (boys) or victims of abuse (girls) (Sudbury, et.al. 2008). “On September 16, 2015 almost eighty THOUSAND domestic violence victims sought service. On that day alone over forty thousand victims sought refuge. Over thirty one thousand received services. In ONE DAY. In this same year, over 1200 direct service jobs were cut from domestic violence services across the nations. Almost 40% of the cases that were not able to have their needs met were denied service due to funding cuts” (NNEDV, 2015).

While any social services benefiting women, children and families seem to get cut every year, the government continues to spend frivolously. According to Senator James Lankford (R. OK), from 2011 to 2013 $3.1 BILLION dollars were paid to government workers placed on administrative leave, $775 million of that went to workers on leave for a month or longer. He believes misconduct is not handled efficiently (and I have to agree with numbers like that). You know where some more money went? We spent $283 million for the Department of Defense to watch birds in California (Federal Fumbles, 2015). True story. And yes, the birds are on the “critical” list, but why can we spend hundreds of millions on birds, billions on employees acting foolish, and millions for a failed CNG gas station in Afghanistan, but the funding to save the lives of abuse victims is cut every single year? Why are our leaders studying the history of tobacco use in Russia instead of the effects of domestic violence on women and children in our own back yard?

Why is it that in Oklahoma you can easily be fined and arrested for public intoxication just for being in a vehicle (like, your cab ride home from a wedding) easier than you can be put in jail and charged with domestic assault and battery? And you know what the punishment is for public intox in Oklahoma? GUESS!? It’s up to a thousand dollar fine and 30 days in jail. Do you remember the punishment for assault? Go back and read it real quick, I’ll wait…that’s right, friends, if you are in a cab that gets pulled over in my state and you have had a few drinks your punishment could be harsher than that of someone who has beaten a woman. Again, let that sink in.

NOW that we have all these statistics, what are you going to do about this problem? What are you going to do to bring real awareness and what are you REALLY going to do to help. I don’t mean show support with a FaceBook photo or frame around your profile picture; I mean REALLY HELP! What are you going to do for your community? What can you do for the laws in your state? One thing I really would love to see is some legislation granting a witness to an assault the ability to press charges. Think of the difference this would make when a neighbor witnesses assault but knows there isn’t much they can do because if they do call the police the woman won’t press charges and she will most likely be hurt even more when the police leave.

Legislation is a big step, though, there are things you can do right now. Go volunteer at a women’s shelter. If you are in ministry or have a counseling degree, offer services to abuse victims for free. If you do hair and/or makeup, go to a shelter and offer a class for women to learn how to do their makeup or go to the shelter one day a month and offer free haircuts. Do you have a closet overflowing with clothes? Like, nice clothes, not the ones we know are in deplorable condition but we donate them to make ourselves feel better…take a good look at your closet, pick a few nice outfits that a woman can wear on an interview or something that will just make her feel better about herself and donate it personally.

Nothing is too small when it comes to serving. Nothing is too frivolous. If you have spent years being beaten down physically, emotionally, and mentally, every little thing can make a difference. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. Every little thing counts. One thing I will always remember from an overnight stay in a shelter on the way to Oklahoma from Arkansas is watching this TERRIBLE program about a purple people eater. I mean, I am SURE I thought it was great back then, but I highly doubt I could sit through it now. Do you know why we watched it, though? The lady in charge asked me my favorite color and I told her it was purple and she thought I would get a kick out of watching that movie. Guys, it’s the little things. Just being an open and understanding ear goes so far. Save your judgement. Until you have lived the life of abuse, you have no idea how it can and will affect you and you have no idea how difficult it can be to leave. The cycle is so hard to break, but the best way to help break it is to simply be present.

So, friend, how will you be present?

I am attaching links to some very helpful and informative websites. If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence please click on these links for information on what you can do to help. If you want to chat with me personally, click the contact link to send an email and I will respond and help you find help. If you just need someone to talk to, click on the contact link and email me, Lord knows I’m a wordy girl, but I can listen too. There is help. There is hope.

You have all my love and prayers.

http://www.womenslaw.org/index.php

https://www.techsafety.org

http://ocadvsa.org/  (For Oklahoma)

http://www.ywca.org/site/c.cuIRJ7NTKrLaG/b.9360173/k.1089/YWCAEliminating_Racism_Empowering_Women.htm

“For he will deliver the needy who cry out, the afflicted who have no one to help. He will take pity on the weak and needy and save the needy from death. He will rescue them from oppression and violence for precious is their blood in his sight” (Psalm 72:12-14 NIV).

The Least of These…a Thanksgiving Post

“I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.  This will please the Lord more than an ox, more than a bull with its horns and hooves.  The poor will see and be glad—you who seek God, may your hearts live!  The Lord hears the needy” (Psalm 69:30-33 NIV).

This coming Thursday is Thanksgiving and generally this isn’t a Christian holiday, but we should think of it in Christian terms…I mean, come on, it is thanks and giving in one word.  That can pretty much sum up how we should live our lives daily!  We should be thankful for grace and giving grace and charity to others in His name.

I want to start off by talking about what it is like to be needy and just how giving can make a difference during this season.  You see, we should be “giving” all year, though for some reason we don’t, but giving during this time of year means more.  Giving during the holiday season gives hope.  I have spent time on the streets as a person in need, and it is tough.  I was so blessed by gracious friends so I actually only slept “on the street” a few times, but I went through a period during the holiday season where I was homeless.  Friends, being homeless can feel hopeless.

For me, it was by God’s grace I already had a job at this time.  Have you ever tried to get a job as a homeless person?  No physical or mailing address to speak of; employers don’t like that much.  Then there is the hygiene issue.  Again, thank God I never really had to deal with this because I have wonderful friends, but have you ever tried to “wash up” in the sinks at the library?  OR, even more humiliating, washing up in the sink where you are interviewing for the job?  It’s not fun.

Now, I know most of us have this mindset that if a person has time to beg on the corner of the highway then they should have time to get a job.  I know I have thought that same thing even though I have experienced homelessness.  Jesus tells us that doing for “the least of these” is doing for him (see Matthew 25:40), so when did doing for the least mean turning our nose down and having zero empathy.  I actually know people who won’t visit our local library because that is where some of our local homeless population hangs out.  I was once told that homeless people don’t have God’s grace else they wouldn’t be homeless.  Because, you know, they know God’s plan for these people’s lives and of course God wouldn’t use a homeless person to do his work, right? (Hmmm, I wonder if that is why I am a former homeless person with a call to minister to children and families and to write and share my story with people in prayer that it reaches someone who needs to hear it).  Nope, God doesn’t use the homeless.  At all.  Never mind that many of the lepers he healed were probably homeless considering they weren’t allowed in the town walls after they got the disease.  I KNOW Christ used some homeless lepers in HIS work!

Anyway, so I KNOW that a few bad apples seem to ruin the bunch, but how fair is that, really? Do you have any idea what their story is? Not every homeless person is an addict, though the rate of addiction is quite high among the homeless community.  You know why?  I mean, I haven’t done a formal study or anything, but being homeless stinks in a way you cannot imagine if you have not experienced it.  There is no stability, no sanctuary, no safe place to lay your head; I mean you have no home.  No home means you probably also have no belongings to speak of save a few key pieces you tote in a tattered bag from place to place.  It makes sense, sad as it is that people find anything to escape the pain and horror they feel.  It isn’t a humbling feeling, it is a humiliating experience.  To know that people walk by and instantly judge your situation without knowing what happened in your life to get you there can beat you down.  All this anti-bullying campaigning is useless in reality, because bullying will always be prevalent when there is a community of people being judged for their situation and basically told it is their fault and that God doesn’t love them.

Have you ever felt hopeless?  I know I am painting a gruesome picture here, but I want everyone to understand just how much little things mean to this community AND to the Great Commission.  We are ALL the least of these because we ALL fall short of His glory.  Not every homeless person is an addict or a loser.  There is this guy who is a disabled vet, that girl who escaped the sex slave industry, the woman and her children over there are in hiding from an abusive husband, and how about that family lost everything they owned trying to fight off cancer.  Have you ever gone to war and come back to nothing?  Have you ever lost everything to disease?  Have you ever been in hiding in fear for your life?

When I was nine my mother gathered me and my brother and sister up and fled Arkansas literally overnight staying at women’s shelters along the way.  We left with the clothes on our back fleeing from a man who had been physically, sexually, and mentally abusive to us all.  I can’t imagine how it felt to be my mom at that time.  She had to hide us from a predator and literally do it at the grace of others without a penny to her name.  Now, my mom is no saint and we have come a long way in our relationship, but doing this…there are no words to show the respect I have for her.  My mom is not an emotionally strong person (I love you mom, don’t hate me), but she found the courage to gather up her children and flee knowing the consequence would be us losing everything but essentially saving our lives.  That is what a homeless person looks like.

How about the girl who aged out of the system, an easy target for the sex slave industry (which is VERY alive and thriving, friends, please research this and be aware) because she is alone, penniless, and vulnerable.  The man who lost all hope because he was laid off so maybe he left his family thinking they’d be better off without him.  These are the faces of the homeless.  It is real and these are their stories, I know because not only do I have a story, but I have talked to people and learned their stories because I am not afraid of them.

So, friends, this holiday season I encourage you to give without ceasing.  Show love to your neighbor who has lost all hope because you could be giving them hope.  This doesn’t mean give a ton of money to the bell ringers outside Walmart, this doesn’t mean take every angel off the angel tree…those are nice gestures, but gestures don’t have to be grand.  When you are making banana muffins, wrap some individually and go to your local shelter hang out and hand them out.  It’s probably been awhile since they’ve had a homemade muffin.  How good do you think that will taste to them?  Bake mini loaves of bread and get little bottles of water to hand out and add Scripture to them with ribbon or tape to remind people of the hope they have in Christ (bread of life and living water verses are perfect for this).  Make up little toiletry baggies with deodorant, toothbrushes, and mini tooth paste tubes to hand out; this will really help lift spirits and give them courage for that job interview!

Friends, we are called to “invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind…because they cannot repay you” (Luke 14:13-14 ESV).  Let us follow Him in doing these things.  Let us be thankful for what we have by sharing with those who have nothing.  This is not just a blessing to them, but to you as well.  It will fill your heart with joy because you will be living out the Fruits of the Spirit.

Are there homeless people at fault for their position, yes?  Is it our job to punish them?  No.  We are all the least of these, and whatever we do to them, we do to Christ.  It is our job to love them and show them what hope looks like, and that is what your generosity can do.

“Then the King will say to those on the right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.  For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?’…The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ [and to those on his left] he said ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these you did not do for me.’” (Matthew 25:34-45 NIV).