I actually have a ton of work to do right now, but I need to write for the sake of writing.
Writing is therapeutic for me-it is a way for me to get my thoughts out, for me to organize my mental musings, and a way for me to keep healthy mentally; and mental health is just as important (or more) as any other type of health.
Things are hard for me lately, and it isn’t any one thing that I can put my finger on, it is just several things that are adding up.
Do you ever have times like that?
Like, the “problems” you have seem so small, but the sheer amount of those little problems makes you feel as though your drowning…
That is me.
And really, a few of these things that feel so big are just so basic.
I started a new job and the agents I have taken on are VERY busy.
They do things VERY differently.
AND, they somehow think I know what I am doing (HAHAHA).
Have you ever been my age (like, 21-haha) and tried to learn new things and new ways to do old things and tried to remember who wants what thing done which way in a matter of hours?
I won’t say it is impossible, but it is definitely not easy!
Adding to that, because my workload has increased, my ability to keep up with the housework has decreased.
I have laundry for days.
Some days I have dishes for…well, not days, but overnight.
My house is by no means filthy, but it is certainly not tidy.
And the dog hair.
Oh, the dog hair.
Now, on top of the little work troubles and the little housework troubles, Myrah had strep recently and there was a mini Covid outbreak at our church, so we missed a couple weeks…again, little things, but they feel SO BIG.
AND, today, I sent a kiddo off to camp.
I will say, I did MUCH better sending him off this year than last, I think that is largely due to 1) our honorary Nanny is there to watch over him, and I trust the entire team that he is with (the student pastor at our church his family are treasures to our family).
And 2) because after I dropped him off, my sweet sister in Christ had me come over and she trimmed Scrappy’s nails for me (what an unexpected blessing) and then we sat for an hour or so and just went through our stuff for VBS.
She knows me so well; she probably did not even realize how much I needed the distraction. I have no idea how much I may have cut into her day, but she never complained or rushed me, she just sat and chatted and when I was ready, I left (thank you).
Now, did I really have time for that today? Probably not, BUT sometimes the command to “be still” does not mean we need to be still alone.
I needed to be still for just a little while today.
There have been other unmentioned stressors that have weighed on me, and the Lord knew I needed to be still for a bit.
I did not need to come home and worry about the chores not being done while sitting at my computer working, I needed to be with my friend for some unscheduled fellowship.
I often wonder why God made me the way I am.
Not physically, but emotionally.
Why do things weigh on me differently than they do others?
Why do I feel a responsibility to protect people who most would consider not to be my problem?
Why do I worry over things others may not think of?
Why did God make me such an empathetic human being!?!?!? Maybe I don’t want to feel EVERYTHING SO deeply!
BUT earlier this week I came across the story of Amy Carmichael, and not for the first time.
As I was reading this story, I was reminded of one of my more recent, but also great mentors who attends church with me.
I will not share her story without permission, but what I will say about her is that she has often shared how she wondered why God made her physical build the way it is, but circumstances in her life have proven that God knew exactly why she needed to be built the way she is (which is beautiful by the way) and if she weren’t then she would not be able to provide for her family the way that she does.
SO, as I sat here in my woe, wondering why God made me the way that I am, I remembered Amy Carmichael and my sweet friend.
Before I go further, I will tell you a smidgen about Amy Carmichael: she was Irish born and moved to England where she lived and was educated after her father died.
As a young girl, Amy used to question why God gave her brown eyes instead of blue eyes.
As a young woman, Amy was able to use her brown eyes to save the lives of numerous young girls who were “sacrificed” by their parents to temple life-that is, a life of sexual exploitation among other things.
She dyed her skin with tea and coffee and was able to don clothing of the region and would travel long distances just to save one child from suffering.
So, as an adult, Amy realized her blue eyes would have prevented her from saving the children she saved, and isn’t it curious how God plans these things, and we just don’t trust His plan?
We KNOW He has a plan.
We read COUNTLESS accounts of His plans being followed through.
We KNOW the Bible says “11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29 11-13 ESV), yet we still question.
Why did God make Amy with brown eyes? To save children.
Why did God make my sweet friend the way He did? To enable her to take care of her family.
Why did God make me the way He did? Well, I don’t know the whole answer just yet (I am not wise), but I do think that He made me this way for a reason.
I always want to help people, so I feel so much because it helps me with the desire to help.
I always want the truth to be told, so I fight for His Truth.
I always want to share with others, so God gave me MANY words and an outlet to share them.
I know there are not a million people reading what I write, but I know for a fact that I have touched at least one life. I know this because I was told as much just yesterday.
That’s all I care about.
If one person can be reached.
If one person can be touched.
If one person can heal.
Then all the feelings I have are worth it.
I have a lot of feelings and my feelings are ALWAYS big.
I OFTEN overreact.
I OFTEN cry.
But I do those things with honest sincerity.
When I cry with you, I am not doing this to make you feel better, though if it does, then that’s great.
I am crying with you because I can’t not cry with you.
I am rejoicing with you because I can’t not rejoice with you.
I am mourning with you because I can’t not mourn with you.
So, if you are feeling the weight of the world right now like I am, don’t worry, the laundry really will keep.
And if it doesn’t, you’re probably not the only one who can run the washing machine in your house.
If you are overwhelmed, know that there is rest.
If you are over emotional, know that there is a reason.
If you are super chatty, know that there is a purpose.
Psalm 139:15-16 “My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”
God doesn’t make mistakes. He saw you and me before we were even solid beings. He has every one of our days written in His book.
And I know, sometimes it is hard to understand why He made us the way He did or why we have the trials we have, but to quote the same sweet friend, “you have purpose. Not A purpose, PURPOSE”. That means, no accidents were made in the forming of this human.
Love
Ceci
pinnom 